3 Strategies for Parenting

‘Three Strategies for Parenting Teens’

It has been a while since I have provided some parenting encouragement from Paul Tripp. As I was looking through the incredible book Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, I came across something that I needed and thought I would share it with you today.

One of the most important aspect of Tripp’s book is the intentionality with which he approaches the parenting of teenagers. (It is, in fact, the whole idea behind the ‘age of opportunity’!) In this chapter of his book he discusses three strategies, or methods, that will help parents be more successful in their parenting endeavors.

Strategy 1: Project Parenting[i]

The first strategy that Tripp discusses is project parenting. In this chapter he discusses the foolishness of beginning a project without procuring the right tools, materials, and plans. No one in their right mind would attempt such an endeavor! And yet with parenting we often do this. Can I confess something? I do this! I approach parenting in the now. I do not put nearly as much thought into the conversations I will face with my two children the next day. I do not dwell on the heart issues affecting my daughter and son. But when it comes to planning a trip, I’ll spend time researching gas prices, places to stop, and most important, places to eat.

But this is a terrible way to parent and one that will most assuredly lead to failure and frustration. Tripp writes, “The phrase, ‘project parenting’ implies being focused, being purposeful, being goal-oriented in our daily encounters with our teenagers. When we are parenting with a sense of project, we will know why we are going after what we are going after….It means we will parent with prepared spontaneity; we will come to those unexpected, spontaneous moments of parenting with preparedness and purpose.”[ii]

So what does this look like practically? Well, for me, it looks like character development for a four and two-year-old. It means learning how to cultivate my daughter’s heart to be willing to share because she loves others. For my son it means developing his understanding of situational control and the management of his anger. But what about teenagers? This is where you come in the picture. It depends on you and your teenager. What are his or her struggles? What difficulties is he or she currently facing? Determining this information will help with reactive issues. But there are also proactive items that you will want to address. What character qualities would you like to see developed? What type of work ethic would you like to instill? Discussing these type of questions prior to an interaction will be similar to the project manager gathering materials and supplies and drafting a plan. This will not guarantee success, but it certainly will help make it more obtainable.

Strategy 2: Constant Conversation[iii]

The next strategy Tripp offers is that of conversation. The Cambridge Dictionary Online defines conversation as, “an informal, usually private, talk in which two or more people exchange thoughts, feelings, or ideas, or in which news or information is given or discussed.”[iv] Conversations are intentional, meaning they simply do not happen by accident.[v] We, as parents, must be deliberate in our desire to communicate with our teenagers. Tripp made it a point every night he returned from work to spend time with each of his children. If you currently do not hold conversations with your teenager, it may be awkward at first. But keep pursuing it! It is so necessary for your own relationship with them, but also for the development of their relationship with God.

There are many spaces within our daily lives to create conversations. During a trip in the car, while waiting for the food to get to the table, during a game time. One lost art of our busy society is the family meal. My wife and I recently purchased a table for our new dining room. Up to this point, we did not have a dining room or a table at which to eat, so we would sit in our living room and the kids usually would watch a cartoon. But when we moved to a larger home and added the table, we began to eat meals together. We cannot stress enough what a blessing it has been! We have seen a different side, albeit a goofier side, of our kids. It has been amazing. And I imagine that having one family meal a day would grant a prime opportunity for conversation.

Strategy 3: Leading Your Teenager to Repentance[vi]

And here we have our ultimate goal as parents or guardians: restored relationship with God. Tripp gives five steps to help carry this out, but I want simply to elaborate on the idea behind this as opposed to offering another list of ways to accomplish it.

If we are more purposeful in our parenting then we will (or at least should) come to this goal. We want, desire, yearn for our teenagers to be in a thriving relationship with God. With each struggle they face, temptation they to which they yield, angry word they utter, etc., restoration should be our primary goal. This also requires us to be transparent. We need to own up to our own shortcomings. We need to apologize and ask forgiveness of our teenagers. And we need to show them what happens when we repent and God forgives.

Conclusion

Parenting is hard work. It is day-in and day-out, stressful work. But it is also fun! It is exciting when you see your child reach a point in their life when they begin to reason, when they make the right decision, or avoid that certain situation. Imagine if we put as much thought into our own parenting as we do vacations, projects in the home, or the purchasing of a new vehicle. I can picture a different teenager, a wholesome home, and a thriving church.

May God help us to be more proactive in our parenting!

[i] Paul David Tripp, Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens (Phillipsburg: P&R, 2001), 215.

[ii] Tripp, Age of Opportunity, 215-216.

[iii] Tripp, Age of Opportunity, 222.

[iv] http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/conversation Accessed 13 January 2017.

[v] Tripp, Age of Opportunity, 223.

[vi] Tripp, Age of Opportunity, 226.

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“How is God present?” A Great Question for Parents and Guardians and Student Ministers

I have written a blog about the book Contemplative Youth Ministry: Practicing the Presence of Jesus prior to this post. But the more I read this book, the more I am just impressed with the philosophy of Mark Yaconelli. The following is a section where he encourages student ministers (parents, guardians, etc.) to simply ask students, “How is God present?”

One way in which we can help in our discipleship is to ask questions. Jesus loved asking people questions. It is a great way to engage in conversations that are natural and reveal the actual thoughts and feelings of an individual.

The simple question, “How is God present?” is a great way to help students begin to look for and acknowledge him in their everyday lives.

Mark Yaconelli, in his book Contemplative Youth Ministry, gives four reasons why this is so helpful.

  1. “First, I’m reminding them that God is present and available.”

    This gives the students the reminder that God is actually with us (as the name Emmanuel is defined) and that He is intimately interested in our lives. Whether it is a soccer match, volunteering at the rescue mission, or simply taking a walk down the street, God is with us.

  2. “Second, the question also communicates that youth have the capacity to notice God.”

What an incredible thought! Your student has the capacity to notice God. This is the Creator we are talking about. The one that said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light. Sometimes adults can give off the impression that students cannot understand God and the awesome privilege we have to relate to Him. By asking that simple question we affirm our belief that they have the ability to see God at work in their lives.

  1. “Third, I am helping them reflect on their real-life theologies and religious biases.”

    I’ll use Mark’s words to describe this one. He writes, “When I ask a young person, ‘How is God present in this moment?’ she may respond, ‘I don’t think God has anything to do with my school; God is just about praying and church.’ To ask youth to notice God is to invite them to reflect on their beliefs concerning God’s relationship to the world.’

  2. “Finally, when I ask young people to notice the Holy Spirit in their midst, I’m helping them develop their sensitivity to God.”

And what better goal as those to whom God has gifted us with the training and rearing of these wonderful students, than to help them ‘develop their sensitivity to God’? This is, and should be, our heart beat, to draw the hearts of our students to a deep love of our Father.
I am praying for you, as you have the most influence, the most time, and the most potential, that God would open your eyes to the many opportunities we have to point our students to ‘the Name’, as the Jewish people call Him.

Helpful Tips from the Banner of Truth

I am a subscriber to the Banner of Truth magazine. It is a great blessing, as many of the articles come from sermons preached. They challenge my thinking, warm my heart, and draw my attention and focus to God.

While catching up on my reading of them, I thoroughly enjoyed the July 2016 copy, issue 634. The article is titled, “Evangelising [sic] Muslims: Five Points of Entry” by Peter Barnes.[1] I do not want to review the article; rather, I want to share some of the insights that I gained. I also would like to draw attention to some of the ideas that I have been pondering but have yet to put to paper.

The introduction to the article was perhaps the best portion. Barnes writes, “In seeking to make the gospel known to Muslims, we will struggle if we simply follow the guidelines in the book of Acts.”[2] In my opinion, some Christians overemphasize the Scriptures. Now, before you write me off as a heretic please read my explanation. It is possible to follow the Scripture to such an extreme that it violates proper interpretation. For example, the Bible teaches that witches should be executed (Exodus 22.18). Some people attempt to place this command to the nation of Israel on followers of God today. Of course there is a lengthy discussion that should take place on why believers do not follow this practice, but many pick and choose what to follow from the Tanakh. Some people follow marriage advice from the Torah (such as the teaching on divorce and remarriage- see Exodus 24.1-4), or dressing advice (specifically the Scripture that commands men not to dress like women and women not to dress like men- see Deuteronomy 22.5), but they fail to follow the command to execute witches. On the same line, some people desire to strictly follow the teachings of the New Testament on the church. An example of this can be found in the first chapter of C. Douglas Weaver’s book In Search of the New Testament Church: The Baptist Story.[3]

In accordance with this desire to be Bible-based and Scripture-laced, people want to follow the ‘New Testament guide’. While I definitely believe that Scripture is the foundation of faith and is to be sought and practiced, I also see the truth that it is a book with historical grounding in a specific time and culture. This has profound implications on what we practice and how we practice. Zuck clarifies this thought when he writes, “In approaching the Bible it is a self-evident truth that the Bible is a book. Like other books it is written in languages spoken by people for the purpose of communicating ideas from the writers to the readers.”[4] This seems to have been forgotten by many individuals in the church today.

To bring this circle to a close, let us return to Barnes’ statement in his opening paragraph. “In seeking to make the gospel known to Muslims, we will struggle if we simply follow the guidelines in the book of Acts.”[5] It is helpful to remember that the main method of spreading the Gospel initially (see Acts 2-9) was primarily to and through Jewish individuals. Thus the preaching focused on the Messiah and the teaching of his suffering and death.[6] If we were to strictly follow the practice of the early believers found in Acts, our evangelistic efforts, specifically to the Muslim people, will be borderline impossible. My point is not to delve into the methods of evangelism to the people of Islam. Other writers have done an excellent job at this.[7] My point has more to deal with the need for creative and a freedom for believers to engage in different methods of evangelism. Barnes notes Paul’s various methods as referenced in 1 Corinthians 9.19-23.[8] We need to rely on God’s Word for everything. But we also need to realize that there is freedom within that.

Another part of the article that really impressed me was Barnes’ call for peace in discussions. He writes, “We must be kindly interest in them. We ought not begin with a frontal assault on the character of Muhammad or the integrity of the Qur’an.”[9] Since 11 September 2001 the treatment of Muslims has been poor at best and borderline hate crime at worst. And while Barnes’ article focuses on interactions with the Muslim community, the application can be made broader. People of different faiths, genders, sexual orientations, etc., are all treated with contempt and degradation. Paul encourages us to address people “in love”.[10] We commanded to love one another.[11]

Believers should be incredibly careful in their discourse, both personally and digitally. Disagreeing on an issue is not the problem, it is our demeanor. It is no wonder that people do not have a positive view of Christianity when its adherents are so demeaning, arrogant, and rude. Here are some helpful suggestions that I have utilized and have found to be helpful.

  • Never be rude- while this may seem simple, it is profound. I have seen posts referring to those who are voting for Hilary Clinton suggesting that they raise their hands and slap themselves because they are idiots. How in the world is this helpful? Does one actually think that a supporter of Hilary Clinton will see that and suddenly change his or her views? That is almost as ludicrous as posting such a mean-spirited image.
  • Ask questions- generally speaking, questions are much more helpful in interactive dialogue than statements. Of course, it is possible to be rude when asking questions. But assuming we are starting from that point, questions help further mutual understanding. It implies incomplete understanding, and it takes humility to acknowledge that. It also encourages questions from the opposite party, and thus differences and misunderstandings are greatly reduced.
  • Treat that person like you would Jesus- I do not mean bow down and worship them. I do mean that each person you interact with, no matter their race, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation, race, age, height, weight, favorite band, and so on, is created in the image of God. That means that every human being you interact with in person or digitally is an image bearer of God Almighty. Treat them that way. Oh, and by the way, Jesus washed his disciples’ feet. That is a hefty pill to swallow.
  • Study other people, faiths, etc.- Ignorance means “a lack of knowledge, understanding, or education.”[12] Ignorance is forgivable, but only for a time. If you are attempting to dialogue with another individual, learn as much as you can from that individual’s perspective. If you want to learn more about the Democratic Party, do not go to Fox News. Look into the original sources. Educating yourself on issues, beliefs, and practices will help you understand where the individual is coming from and will help to alleviate misunderstandings.

[1] Peter Barnes. “Evangelising Muslims: Five Points of Entry.” The Banner of Truth, Volume 7, Issue 634, 2016, 7-15.

[2] Barnes, 7.

[3] https://books.google.com/books?id=shbpTq7wqAIC&pg=PA9&dq=new+testament+churches&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjssOya0P3PAhVCGz4KHSugAY8Q6AEIRzAI#v=onepage&q=new%20testament%20churches&f=false. Accessed 28/10/2016.

[4] Roy B. Zuck, Basic Bible Interpretation: A Practical Guide to Discovering Biblical Truth (Colorado Springs, Cook Communications: 1991), 59.

[5] Barnes, 7.

[6] Simply peruse through the chapters referenced above and it will become painfully obvious what materials the early evangelists used to spread the good news.

[7] See Norman L. Geisler and Abdul Saleeb, Answering Islam: The Crescent in the Light of the Cross (Grand Rapids, Baker: 2002) and Winfried Corduan, Neighboring Faiths: A Christian Introduction to World Religions (Downers Grove, InterVarsity Press: 2012).

[8] I preached a message on this titled “Pauline Advice on Blessing Your Block”. You can access that here under that title: http://tnova.org/media.php?pageID=22. Accessed 28/10/2016.

[9] Barnes, 8.

[10] Ephesians 4.15, NIV

[11] 1 John 4.7-21

[12] http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ignorance. Accessed 28/10/2016.

Discernment: A Vital Gift

A tree is one of the most beautiful aspects of creation. There is one stem, one trunk, and then there are so many branches and leaves. Each leaf is unique, a incredible work of art. The tree can teach us much. The lesson I want to learn today, however, is that of unity.

Donald Bloesch, a scholar and theologian, writes, “….Christians sorely need the gift of discernment to make the proper evaluations.” [Bloesch, The Holy Spirit: Works and Gifts, 145.] He is dealing with different variations within Christendom that view the Spirit in diverse ways. 
His comment is so vital for today. There are so many variations, so many denominations, so many view points. Which one is correct? Which one is wrong? The spirit of discernment, mentioned in 1 Corinthins 12.10, needs to be exercised today. We need to discern, to judge in order to determine which view is correct and which view is not.

Another point Bloesch makes is to differentiate between heterodoxy and heresy. He defines the two, “Heterodoxy signifies the elevation of what is peripheral over what is essential in the faith, while heresy leads to a denial of what is essential.” [Bloesch, The Holy Spirit: Works and Gifts, 145.] It is imperative that, in Christendom, we learn to do this. Is it difficult? Yes. Will it be messy? Of course. But if we are to follow Christ, then we are to seek unity. Harmony, oneness, and “a complex or systematic whole” are words and phrases that describe what we should be seeking.

Too often we make peripheral issues the main focus and lay aside essentials.

I end with these words from the Messiah, and pray that believers may be one, אחד, a God-glorifying harmony.

John 17.20-23

20 “My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

God’s Presence…When You Can’t Feel It

That feeling is all too common to the believer. That feeling, where once a closeness with God was enjoyed, that God’s existence is questioned. If you have been a believer for any length of time, you know exactly what I am talking about right now. Perhaps you are even experiencing it at this moment.

If you are like me, you go through seasons where this is the case. Something that I have found encouraging is the fact that many individuals in the Scriptures also have the same experience. In Thomas A Kempis’s work, The Imitation of Christ, he speaks on emptiness. He describes it as “When you no longer feel the comfort of God’s presence…” [Thomas A. Kempis, The Imitation of Christ (Notre Dame, Ave Maria: 1989), 74]

I love what he writes next. Though it is long, it is well worth your time to read it.

“This is nothing new or strange to those who know God’s ways, for the great saints and prophets of old often experienced such changes; whence, the Psalmist, feeling grace present in him, declared, ‘In my prosperity I said I shall never be moved.’ But when grace was withdrawn he added what he felt inside, saying: ‘You hid your face from me, and I became troubled.’ Yet, in the midst of this, he did not despair but prayed to the Lord all the more earnestly and said: ‘To you, O lord, I shall cry and shall beg forgiveness of my God.’ Finally, his prayer was answered, and he testified that he was heard by saying: ‘The Lord heard and has had mercy on me: the Lord became my helper.’ But how? ‘You have turned my sorrow into joy,’ he said, ‘and surrounded me with gladness.’ If it happened in this way with the great saints, we who are weak and poor should not despair if we are sometimes burning with desire and sometimes not. The Holy Spirit comes and goes according to his good pleasure; whence, blessed Job says: ‘You visit him at daybreak, and you suddenly test him.'” [Kempis, 74.]

Job says it this way,

 

But if I go to the east, he is not there;
    if I go to the west, I do not find him.
When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
    when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
 But he knows the way that I take;
    when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
Job 23.8-10 NIV

So take heart today, though you feel not His presence, He is there. His name, after all, is EmmanuelGod with us!