3 Strategies for Parenting

‘Three Strategies for Parenting Teens’

It has been a while since I have provided some parenting encouragement from Paul Tripp. As I was looking through the incredible book Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, I came across something that I needed and thought I would share it with you today.

One of the most important aspect of Tripp’s book is the intentionality with which he approaches the parenting of teenagers. (It is, in fact, the whole idea behind the ‘age of opportunity’!) In this chapter of his book he discusses three strategies, or methods, that will help parents be more successful in their parenting endeavors.

Strategy 1: Project Parenting[i]

The first strategy that Tripp discusses is project parenting. In this chapter he discusses the foolishness of beginning a project without procuring the right tools, materials, and plans. No one in their right mind would attempt such an endeavor! And yet with parenting we often do this. Can I confess something? I do this! I approach parenting in the now. I do not put nearly as much thought into the conversations I will face with my two children the next day. I do not dwell on the heart issues affecting my daughter and son. But when it comes to planning a trip, I’ll spend time researching gas prices, places to stop, and most important, places to eat.

But this is a terrible way to parent and one that will most assuredly lead to failure and frustration. Tripp writes, “The phrase, ‘project parenting’ implies being focused, being purposeful, being goal-oriented in our daily encounters with our teenagers. When we are parenting with a sense of project, we will know why we are going after what we are going after….It means we will parent with prepared spontaneity; we will come to those unexpected, spontaneous moments of parenting with preparedness and purpose.”[ii]

So what does this look like practically? Well, for me, it looks like character development for a four and two-year-old. It means learning how to cultivate my daughter’s heart to be willing to share because she loves others. For my son it means developing his understanding of situational control and the management of his anger. But what about teenagers? This is where you come in the picture. It depends on you and your teenager. What are his or her struggles? What difficulties is he or she currently facing? Determining this information will help with reactive issues. But there are also proactive items that you will want to address. What character qualities would you like to see developed? What type of work ethic would you like to instill? Discussing these type of questions prior to an interaction will be similar to the project manager gathering materials and supplies and drafting a plan. This will not guarantee success, but it certainly will help make it more obtainable.

Strategy 2: Constant Conversation[iii]

The next strategy Tripp offers is that of conversation. The Cambridge Dictionary Online defines conversation as, “an informal, usually private, talk in which two or more people exchange thoughts, feelings, or ideas, or in which news or information is given or discussed.”[iv] Conversations are intentional, meaning they simply do not happen by accident.[v] We, as parents, must be deliberate in our desire to communicate with our teenagers. Tripp made it a point every night he returned from work to spend time with each of his children. If you currently do not hold conversations with your teenager, it may be awkward at first. But keep pursuing it! It is so necessary for your own relationship with them, but also for the development of their relationship with God.

There are many spaces within our daily lives to create conversations. During a trip in the car, while waiting for the food to get to the table, during a game time. One lost art of our busy society is the family meal. My wife and I recently purchased a table for our new dining room. Up to this point, we did not have a dining room or a table at which to eat, so we would sit in our living room and the kids usually would watch a cartoon. But when we moved to a larger home and added the table, we began to eat meals together. We cannot stress enough what a blessing it has been! We have seen a different side, albeit a goofier side, of our kids. It has been amazing. And I imagine that having one family meal a day would grant a prime opportunity for conversation.

Strategy 3: Leading Your Teenager to Repentance[vi]

And here we have our ultimate goal as parents or guardians: restored relationship with God. Tripp gives five steps to help carry this out, but I want simply to elaborate on the idea behind this as opposed to offering another list of ways to accomplish it.

If we are more purposeful in our parenting then we will (or at least should) come to this goal. We want, desire, yearn for our teenagers to be in a thriving relationship with God. With each struggle they face, temptation they to which they yield, angry word they utter, etc., restoration should be our primary goal. This also requires us to be transparent. We need to own up to our own shortcomings. We need to apologize and ask forgiveness of our teenagers. And we need to show them what happens when we repent and God forgives.

Conclusion

Parenting is hard work. It is day-in and day-out, stressful work. But it is also fun! It is exciting when you see your child reach a point in their life when they begin to reason, when they make the right decision, or avoid that certain situation. Imagine if we put as much thought into our own parenting as we do vacations, projects in the home, or the purchasing of a new vehicle. I can picture a different teenager, a wholesome home, and a thriving church.

May God help us to be more proactive in our parenting!

[i] Paul David Tripp, Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens (Phillipsburg: P&R, 2001), 215.

[ii] Tripp, Age of Opportunity, 215-216.

[iii] Tripp, Age of Opportunity, 222.

[iv] http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/conversation Accessed 13 January 2017.

[v] Tripp, Age of Opportunity, 223.

[vi] Tripp, Age of Opportunity, 226.

“How is God present?” A Great Question for Parents and Guardians and Student Ministers

I have written a blog about the book Contemplative Youth Ministry: Practicing the Presence of Jesus prior to this post. But the more I read this book, the more I am just impressed with the philosophy of Mark Yaconelli. The following is a section where he encourages student ministers (parents, guardians, etc.) to simply ask students, “How is God present?”

One way in which we can help in our discipleship is to ask questions. Jesus loved asking people questions. It is a great way to engage in conversations that are natural and reveal the actual thoughts and feelings of an individual.

The simple question, “How is God present?” is a great way to help students begin to look for and acknowledge him in their everyday lives.

Mark Yaconelli, in his book Contemplative Youth Ministry, gives four reasons why this is so helpful.

1. “First, I’m reminding them that God is present and available.”

   This gives the students the reminder that God is actually with us (as the name Emmanuel is defined) and that He is intimately interested in our lives. Whether it is a soccer match, volunteering at the rescue mission, or simply taking a walk down the street, God is with us.

2. “Second, the question also communicates that youth have the capacity to notice God.”

What an incredible thought! Your student has the capacity to notice God. This is the Creator we are talking about. The one that said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light. Sometimes adults can give off the impression that students cannot understand God and the awesome privilege we have to relate to Him. By asking that simple question we affirm our belief that they have the ability to see God at work in their lives.

3. “Third, I am helping them reflect on their real-life theologies and religious biases.”

   I’ll use Mark’s words to describe this one. He writes, “When I ask a young person, ‘How is God present in this moment?’ she may respond, ‘I don’t think God has anything to do with my school; God is just about praying and church.’ To ask youth to notice God is to invite them to reflect on their beliefs concerning God’s relationship to the world.’

4. “Finally, when I ask young people to notice the Holy Spirit in their midst, I’m helping them develop their sensitivity to God.”

And what better goal as those to whom God has gifted us with the training and rearing of these wonderful students, than to help them ‘develop their sensitivity to God’? This is, and should be, our heart beat, to draw the hearts of our students to a deep love of our Father.
I am praying for you, as you have the most influence, the most time, and the most potential, that God would open your eyes to the many opportunities we have to point our students to ‘the Name’, as the Jewish people call Him.

Anxiety or Love: How is Your Ministry?

I am working my way through the book Contemplative Youth Ministry: Practicing the Presence of Jesus by Mark Yaconelli. On the jacket is written a telling paragraph, “As youth workers, we get caught up in programs, curriculum, events, and trying to engage and minister to students. But the result is too often needless anxiety, escalating work hours, and blurred boundaries—all while our students remain unchanged and uninterested.”

The book calls for being, living, existing with Jesus and His love. It has been encouraging, convicting, and inspirational. However, one particularly important aspect of the book is found on page 98. He goes through and compares anxiety with love. I wanted to share this with you so that you too may find encouragement and strength to continue to press on in the ministry God has given you.

The following is from the book, pages 79-80.

Anxiety seeks control. Love seeks contemplation.

Anxiety seeks professionals. Love seeks processes.

Anxiety seeks products. Love desires presence.

Anxiety lifts up gurus. Love relies on guides.

Anxiety rests in results. Love rests in relationships.

Anxiety seeks conformity. Love brings out creativity.

Anxiety wants activity. Love brings awareness.

Anxiety seeks answers. Love seeks questions.

Now, there was much written prior to this and after as well. So context is key. Instead of being busy, we need to simply be still (Psalm 46.10). So, are we being still? Are we worried, or trusting? Are we filled with unrest, or are we simply loving? This is a good challenge, and one that I will ponder over the rest of my life.